More Brad Brown

[Author’s note: I worked for UPS Corporate for about 2.5 years from 2005 to 2007. I made a lot of observations while working there. I thought I’d share them here in a series of never-ending articles. If I end up being assassinated for writing this article, I’ll leave the evidence in that place I left that thing that time before.

  1. The people who handle your packages are known internally as “throwers.”
  2. A UPS driver makes only left-handed turns, unless he’s stopping by to have sex with your wife – then any turn, left or right, is fair game.
  3. UPS owns the patent to the color Pullman Brown. Any use of this color by anyone else is strictly prohibited.
  4. Jim Casey, the UPS founder, got his start by delivering heroin to drug addicts, and by tailing people. Of course, in those days, it was all perfectly legal. Today, we would frown upon his shady shenanigans.
  5. Each year, UPS displays a United Way fundraising progress meter on the wall of the entrance to corporate. Unfortunately, it resembles a giant, engorged penis.
  6. You are allowed to have a maximum of fifteen items on your desk. In the old days, desk patrol would write tickets for disorderly desks. These days, your boss will indicate violations through passive-aggressive behavior.
  7. Tyler Perry, playwright and creator of the character Madea, is a former UPS employee.
  8. UPS is the largest shipper of pornography in the world.
  9. There is a bell in the UPS lobby. The CEO rings it whenever some major event happens, like a layoff or an acquisition. If you (a non-CEO) ring the bell without a corresponding major event, you’re fired.
  10. I wasn’t kidding about the roaches in the coffee machine.
  11. Brad Brown is not Antony Bordoli, but I am jealous of the publicity Antony has received, just for quitting his job.
  12. The frozen body of founder Jim Casey is in a cryogenic chamber in the documentation archive in the basement at corporate headquarters.
  13. It’s illegal to send non-urgent letters via UPS. This allows the United States Postal Service to maintain their postal monopoly for the good of mankind.
  14. UPS employees don’t get discounts on shipping, which is why the majority of UPS employees ship DHL.
  15. UPS employee badges contain RFID tags, which allow the company to track employee movement throughout every corporate-owned building. If you spend more that five minutes per hour in the bathroom, you are severely penalized.
  16. UPS was approached by the producers of the movie “Castaway.” The producers asked if UPS wanted to be the shipping company that would appear in the movie. UPS said “no.” FedEx said “yes.” The movie grossed 483 million dollars.
  17. Some guy (we’ll call him Dick) retired after 35 years. Dick took a celebratory vacation to Hawaii where he promptly died on the fourth hole of his first round of golf after retirement.
  18. When UPS first opened in Germany, they had a hard time attracting customers due to public perception. They finally determined that they weren’t popular with the Germans because the UPS uniforms looked too much like Hitler’s SS uniforms. Today, German delivery drivers wear red unitards.