Doing Time at UPS

        Driving a truck for UPS may soon replace community service as the punishment of choice for many criminal driving convictions. Judges across the country have begun seeing the benefit of sentencing troubled motorists to 5 years at UPS instead of 3 years probation and 6 months of community service. “It’s a win-win situation, it satisfies the need for punishment and the offenders get trained to drive safely,” said Jack Hammer, spokesperson for United Parcel Service.
        Learning the rules of the roadWhile the program is still in it’s early stages, results are already evident. One repeat offender who drove 3 years at UPS said that he learned the rules of the road. “I’m never going back,” he said, “I’d rather let my girlfriend drive than risk going back to UPS. It’s a hell hole.”
        “I used to take driving for granted”, says Rex Easley, another offender who has worked at UPS for 2 years now. “I rolled through stops signs, I parked on the wrong side of the street, I figured no one was watching. Then I went to UPS and now I feel someone is watching all the time. I pulled a five year sentence, it feels like a lifetime.”
        While life on the inside can be brutal at times, the lessons these lawbreakers learn are good ones. “You work hard and you learn to do your job, nobody is going to do it for you. There’s no help,” grinned Hammer with a glint of masochism. “It looks like torture, but it’s not. It’s tough love.”
        Tough love in the workplace is a somewhat controversial concept, but it seems to be working at UPS. The UPS culture is rooted in tough love techinques and UPS used tough love on it’s own employees long before the idea gained popular support. “We’ve always believed that pain produces results,” Hammer explained, “We like to pile on the work, idle hands are the Devil’s workshop. Add a big dose of humiliation and and an occasional threat and you’ve got the secret to our success.”