Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog,
which weighs 191 lbs. (The dog, not the bag.) I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked
if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant?
So because I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her
that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I
added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in
an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way
that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets
and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food
is nutritionally complete so it works well, and I was going to
try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone
in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant
and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won’t let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the
time in the world to think of crazy things to say.